Agender - a person who does not identify with any gender.

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Anchor Partner - A person who is a stable or grounding force in someone’s life, but is not considered primary over other relationships. A term often used to move away from hierarchical relationships while still acknowledging someone’s importance and depth of connection.

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Aromantic - An identity where someone has low, or nonexistent interest in maintaining a romantic relationship.

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Asexual – An identity where the person generally doesn’t feel sexually attracted to other people and may be 1. Sex repulsed : repulsed by or completely disinterested in sex. 2. Sex neutral: doesn’t actively seek out sex, but may have sex with a partner to make them happy. 3. Sex positive: dosen’t actively seek out sex, but may still have sex for pleasure for both themselves and their partner.  Some asexual people may even have a high libido, but no attraction to other people.

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BDSM – A composite acronym for Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and Submission (D&S), and Sadomasochism (S&M). Used to refer to any consensual activities or lifestyles between adults which include some or all of these things.

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Bisexual – A person who is sexually attracted to people regardless of gender. Historically was used with the gender binary, but has expanded. 

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Bigamy – Entering into a marriage with one person while still legally married to another. Bigamy is a crime in most western countries, and when it occurs in this context often neither the first nor second spouse is aware of the other.

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Cheating – In a relationship, any activity wherein one party deems the other party is breaking exclusivity agreements in the relationship by engaging with another person. When the definition of what constitutes cheating is not explicitly discussed, arguments, loopholes, and justifications will be created around behaviors.

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Closed Relationship – Any romantic relationship, such as a conventional monogamous relationship or a polyfidelitous relationship, that specifically excludes the possibility of sexual or romantic connections outside that relationship.

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Comet Partner - A person, who may live in a different city or have limited free time, where occasional visits happen only when circumstances are permitting.

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Compersion – A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Compersion can be thought of as the opposite of “jealousy;” it is a positive emotional reaction to a lover’s other relationship. The term was coined by the Kerista Commune.

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Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM) - see Ethical Nonmonogamy (ENM)

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Couple(s) privilege – The presumption that socially sanctioned pair-bond relationships involving only two people (such as marriage, long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, or other forms of conventional intimate/life partnerships) are inherently more important, “real” and valid than other types of intimate, romantic or sexual relationships.

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Cowboy/Cowgirl - Someone who enters a nonmonogamous relationship and then behaves in ways that end in “roping” the relationship back into monogamy.

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Demisexual - Someone who only experiences sexual attraction after they have formed a close personal bond with someone.

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Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) – A relationship structure in which a person who is partnered is permitted to have additional sexual or romantic relationships on the condition that his or her partner does not know anything about those additional relationships and does not meet any of those other people. Many people in the polyamorous community frown on don’t ask, don’t tell relationships, and choose not to become involved in such relationships. There are many dangers in such relationships, including the idea that a person who claims to be involved in such a relationship may simply be cheating (as the relationship often provides no mechanism by which that person’s partner may be contacted to confirm that the relationship permits other relationships); the fact that many people choose DADT relationships as a way of avoiding and not dealing with emotional issues such as jealousy; and the fact that DADT relationships are built on a foundation of lack of communication within the existing relationship.

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Dyad - Any configuration of two people who are connected.

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Envy - Desiring what someone else has, though unlike jealousy, not usually as a result of feeling insecure over the loss (of a resource, for instance). Often it is a desire to be included, not to prevent them from engaging in it with others. 

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Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM) – Synonymous with consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). Any relationship that is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved. 

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Fluid Bonding – Sexual practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse and BDSM: blood play. 

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Friend with Benefits - A friend you have sex with.  Don’t forget the friend part, which means you need to do friend things with this person.

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Fuck Buddy - A person you have sex with on occasion, but aren’t necessarily close enough with to call a friend.

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Genderqueer - Identifying outside of the gender binary of man or woman.

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Graysexual / Gray Ace - A sexual orientation that is not clearly defined or where the definition may vary over time, is sometimes fleeting, or requires very specific circumstances.

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Handfasting – A Pagan or Wiccan ceremony similar to marriage in the sense that it unites two people in a common bond, but dissimilar to a traditional Western marriage in that it does not necessarily convey sexual exclusivity and may not be intended to be permanent (some handfasting ceremonies last “for a year and a day,” others for “as long as the love shall last”). A handfasting is not legally recognized as a marriage unless the person performing the handfasting is authorized to perform marriages in a particular jurisdiction (requirements for such authorization vary from place to place) and the other legal requirements of marriage are met. (Handfasting ceremonies are not directly related to polyamory; however, some people, particularly those involved with Wiccan or neo-Pagan spirituality or beliefs, may combine the two. While not all Pagans are polyamorous and not all polyamorous people are Pagan, there is enough overlap between the communities that some polyamorous people practice handfasting as an emotional or spiritual symbol of their relationships and commitment.)

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Hierarchy - A ranking of partners where one has priority of status and decision making over others.  Sometimes a hierarchy is inherent due to the length of the relationship (compared to others), or demands on the relationship (kids, mortgage, etc). Sometimes the hierarchy is explicit to create security or manage insecurity.

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Hinge - The shared partner between two people. 

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Intentional Family – A family made up of people who have consciously and deliberately chosen to consider one another as a single family, as opposed to family that is the result of birth or marriage (i.e., family in law). Most often used to describe a family of three or more adults. Related terms: cluster marriage, polyamory, group marriage.

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Internalized Monogamy -  The set of expectations about how relationships should look based on the assumption of monogamy.  These expectations often have to be unlearned when starting a nonmonogamous relationship.

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Intersex - A general term used for a variety of situations where someone is born with reproductive and sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit into the boxes of “male” or “female”, and is a naturally occurring variation among many animal species, humans included. Though a person may also be intersex who has differing sex organs (genitals that look like a penis and ovaries), where the discrepancy isn’t discovered until puberty; or their chromosomes may be XXY, instead of XX or XY. Doctors used to do surgery to “correct” the genitals to fit binary ideas of gender, sometimes with disastrous outcomes.  

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Jealousy – An emotion, and the word typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. Jealousy is a typical experience in human relationships.

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Kink – In human sexuality, kinkiness or kinky, is a colloquial term used to describe unconventional sexual concepts or practices. The term derives from the idea of a “bend” (a “kink”) in one’s sexual behaviour, to contrast such behaviour with “straight” or “vanilla” sexual mores and proclivities. The term “kink” has been claimed by some who practice sexual fetishism as a term or synonym for their practices. Kink sexual practices go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners.

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Kitchen Table Poly - A form on polyamory where everyone and their partners generally get along “around the kitchen table for a cup of tea”.  The focus is more on creating a community and friendships are shared widely, even after relationships end.

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LGBT – Acronym for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender. The acronym is intended to emphasize a diversity of sexuality and gender identity-based cultures and is sometimes used to refer to anyone who is non-heterosexual or non-cisgender instead of exclusively to people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.  May also see additional acronyms on the end including Q for queer and/or questioning, I for intersex, A for asexual and/or agender, 2 for two spirit, + to include any other sexual minority that may have been missed. 

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Metamour – (Literally, meta with; about + amor love): The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship. Similarly, a sortamour could be a partner of your partner’s partner, or even several partners removed.

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Monogamy – (Literally, mono one + gamos marriage) Formally, the state or practice of having only one wedded spouse. Informally, the state or practice of having only one wedded spouse at a time, or more generally, having only one sexual partner or only one romantic relationship at a time. Monogamous: of or related to the practice of monogamy, as in monogamous relationship: a relationship permitting one and only one romantic or sexual partner.

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Mononormative - Anything that only considers the traditional monogamous relationship structure.  

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Mono-Poly Relationship - A relationship where one person identifies as monogamous and the other identifies as polyamorous, regardless of whether the polyamorous person is currently dating anyone.

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Monosexual Polyamory – Engaging in sex with only one partner, but loving emotions for more than one. Most often this occurs in the BDSM community where D/s relationships are very real. For example, someone has a serious non-kinky boyfriend and a serious Daddy/Dominant – and only has sex with the boyfriend but has intense feelings for both partners. Another form of it occurs when people have other non-sexual relationships… like long term make-out buddies or emotional-only committed relationships.

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Nesting Partner - A partner you live with and share various domestic duties with.  This term is used in contrast with primary partner to avoid having hierarchical connotations, as relationship decisions and other life choices may not be dependent on that person.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE) – A strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of any new romantic relationship. While similar in some ways to limerence, new relationship energy is distinct in that it often follows the beginning of a relationship (as opposed to desire for a relationship), and can last as long as several years. (Some researchers believe that new relationship energy is the result of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which are released by the brain during the start of a new relationship and after a mother gives birth and are believed to have a role in emotional bonding and in the feelings of happiness and well-being that often accompany the start of a new relationship.)

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Old Relationship Energy (ORE) - The time after New Relationship Energy wears off and the relationship enters (hopefully) a phase of safety, security and stability.  Expectations and routine have been established, there is often lower excitement and sometimes declining sexual desire. An alternative to this language is Established Relationship Energy. 

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One Penis Policy (OPP) - Usually found when a cisgender heterosexual man is dating heterosexual or bisexual women, where they are only allowed to date other women. Frequently considered sexist and controlling.

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Open Relationship – 1. Any relationship that is not sexually monogamous. 2. Any relationship that permits “outside” sexual entanglements, but not loving or romantic relationships. Some folks use the term open relationship as a synonym for polyamory. To other people, the term excludes polyamory, and is used specifically to describe relationships that are sexually non-monogamous but that still expect that the people involved will not fall in love or engage in romantic relationships outside the couple, as for example with many swinging relationships. It’s important to be careful when using this term, as it may carry very different connotations for different people.

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Oxytocin – A naturally occurring hormone produced in the hypothalamus and secreted from the pituitary gland. Oxytocin is produced both by men and women, and in women is known to play a role in uterine contraction during childbirth and in milk production. Production of this hormone increases during the early stages of a new relationship and during sex, and it is believed to be partly responsible for mediating the processes involved in emotional intimacy. New relationship energy is thought to be a result in part of oxytocin production.

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Pansexual - A person who is attracted to all genders.

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Parallel Poly - A style of polyamory where a person’s partners generally do not meet or interact with each other, even if they know about each other.

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Polyamory – (Literally, poly many + amor love) The state or practice of maintaining multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all the people involved. Polyamorous: of or related to the practice of polyamory, as in polyamorous relationship: a relationship involving more than two people, or open to involvement by more than two people; polyamorous person: a person who prefers or is open to romantic relationships with more than one partner simultaneously. Polyamory is not necessarily related directly to marriage or to polygamy; a person may have no spouse or only one spouse and still be polyamorous. In 1992, when the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary contacted Morning Glory Zell to ask for a formal definition and background of the word; part of her response was “The two essential ingredients of the concept of ‘polyamory’ are ‘more than one’ and ‘loving.’ That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other’s lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, ‘cheating,’ serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as ‘mate-swapping- parties.”

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Polyandry – (Literally, poly many + andros man) The state or practice of having multiple wedded husbands at the same time.

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Polycule – A romantic network, or a particular subset of relationships within a romantic network, whose members are closely connected. Also used to describe a sketch or visualization of a romantic network, as these drawings often resemble the depiction of molecules used in organic chemistry.

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Poly Family – 1. A set of polyamorous people who live together and identify as part of the same family. 2. A polyamorous group whose members consider one another to be family, regardless of whether or not they share a home.

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Polyfidelitous – (Literally, poly many + fidelitas faithfulness) A romantic or sexual relationship which involves more than two people, but which does not permit the members of that relationship to seek additional partners outside the relationship, at least without the approval and consent of all the existing members. Some polyfidelitous relationships may have a mechanism which permits adding new members to the relationship with mutual agreement and consent of the existing members; others may not permit any new members under any circumstances. The term polyfidelity was coined by the Kerista Commune.

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Polyflexible – Someone not inherently monogamous or polyamorous. Your nature changes depending on your mood, the relationship you’re in, and the era of your life. You’re open to alternative relationship styles and traditional styles.

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Polygamy – (Literally, poly many + gamos marriage) The state or practice of having multiple wedded spouses at the same time, regardless of the sex of those spouses. Polygyny is the most common form of polygamy in most societies that permit multiple spouses. For that reason, many people confuse the two.

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Polygyny – (Literally, poly many + gynos woman) The state or practice of having multiple wedded wives at the same time. According to some sociologists, polygynous societies represent the most common form of society, with 850 of the 1170 societies recorded in Murdock’s Ethnographic Atlas being polygynous. Modern Muslim societies are polygynous, and certain religious traditions, including Fundamentalist Mormonism (FLDS) in the United States, advocate polygyny.

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Polysaturated – Polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships or new partners because of the number of existing partners, or because of time constraints that might make new relationships difficult. The point at which the thought of another relationship, or another hobby, leaves one feeling more exhausted than excited.

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Primary / Secondary – A polyamorous relationship structure in which a person has multiple partners who are not equal to one another in terms of interconnection, emotional intensity, intertwinement in practical or financial matters, or power within the relationship. A person in a primary/secondary relationship may have one (or occasionally, more than one) primary partner and one or more additional secondary or tertiary partners. A primary/secondary relationship may be “prescriptive” (that is, a primary couple consciously and deliberately creates a set of rules whereby any additional partners are secondary, often because this is seen as a mechanism which will protect the existing relationship from harm caused by additional relationships) or it may be “descriptive,” and emerge from the nature and the situation of the relationship. In practice, prescriptive primary/secondary relationships may create an environment where the people in those additional relationships feel unappreciated or insignificant, which is why some experienced polyamorous people do not construct their relationships along enforced primary/secondary lines.

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Primary Partner – In a primary/secondary relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship with the highest degree of involvement or entanglement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance. A person may be primary either as a natural consequence of the circumstance and nature of the relationship (because that person has the greatest degree of financial entanglement, for example), or as a deliberate consequence of the relationship structure and agreements (as in the case of an existing couple who set out to add additional partners only on the condition that those existing partners are seen as “less important” than the couple). (People who deliberately seek to construct a relationship along prescriptive primary/secondary lines typically designate one and only one relationship as the primary relationship. People who do not seek to construct a relationship along prescriptive primary/secondary lines may have more than one primary relationship; a relationship becomes primary when it reaches a certain point of emotional commitment, practical entanglement, or both.)

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Quad - A set of four people where most of them are dating each other.  Often they come in the form of two couples dating each other.  A notoriously difficult structure to maintain. 

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Relationship Anarchy – A philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose. It is the practice of forming relationships which are not bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree on. It can be considered as one form of polyamory, but distinguishes itself by postulating that there need not be a formal distinction between different types of sexual, romantic or platonic relationships. Relationship anarchists (RAs) look at each relationship (romantic or otherwise) individually, as opposed to categorizing them according to societal norms such as ‘just friends’, ‘in a relationship’, ‘in an open relationship‘, etc.

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Relationship Escalator - The mononormative idea that relationships have an upward movement with milestones indicating commitment, such as cohabiting, taking vacations, marriage and having kids.  Becoming nonmonogamous is sometimes described as stepping off the escalator.

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Relationship Orientation – A preference for sexual or loving relationships of a particular form; as, for example, a preference for relationships that are monogamous, for relationships that are polyfidelitous, for relationships that are polyamorous, and so forth. Just as some people feel that their sexual orientation is fluid and a matter of choice where other people feel that their sexual orientation is fixed and not subject to choice, so do some people feel that their relationship orientation is subject to choice whereas others feel their relationship orientation is not a matter of choice.

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Secondary Partner – In a primary/secondary relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship who, either by intent or by circumstance, have a relationship that is given less in terms of time, energy, and priority in a person’s life than a primary relationship, and usually involves fewer ongoing commitments such as plans or financial/legal involvements. A secondary relationship may be secondary as a result of a conscious decision on the part of the primary partners, or simply as a result of circumstance or the natural development of the relationship.

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Serial Monogamy – A relationship pattern in which a person has only one sexual or romantic partner at a time, but has multiple sexual or romantic partners in a lifetime, and may change partners frequently. Arguably the most common form of relationship in the United States, serial monogamy is predicated on the idea that a person can love more than one other person romantically in a lifetime, but not at the same time.

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Significant Other (SO) – A romantic partner, thus someone “significant” in one’s life. The term significant other is intended to be free of assumptions about the gender of that partner. SOSO is significant other's significant other. 

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Solo Poly - A style of nonmonogamy sometimes described as “I am my own primary partner”, or a person does not want a primary partner.

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Swinging – The practice of having multiple sexual partners outside of an existing romantic relationship, most often with the understanding that the focus of those relationships is primarily sexual rather than romantic or emotionally intimate. The common perception of swinging is that those who engage in this behavior have sex outside of their existing relationship purely for recreation, and that emotional bonds or emotional intimacy are specifically excluded. However, in practice swinging is much more nuanced, and people who self-identify as swingers can and sometimes do form close emotional relationships with their partners. Many people in both the swinging and polyamorous communities, though not all, see swinging and polyamory as two ends of a continuum, different in degree of intent, focus, and emphasis on romantic and emotional relationships rather than different in kind.

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Tertiary Partner – A person (or persons) in a relationship that is generally quite casual, expects little in the way of emotional or practical support, or is very limited with respect to time, energy, or priority in the lives of the people involved. A tertiary relationship may be very limited in scope or priority for many reasons, one of the most common of which is often distance.

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Triad - A set of three people all dating each other.  Sometimes called a throuple.

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Unicorn – Synonym for hot bi babe or HBB, often derogatory, condescending, or ironic. A bisexual person, usually though not always female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple. The term is often used to be dismissive of a couple seen to be only superficially polyamorous. Because of the demands that this type of couple places on the woman (that she be single and not take on any additional partners, and become involved with both members of the couple equally, and often “complete” their family as a surrogate mother and housekeeper and/or breadwinner and not do anything that may threaten or disrupt the existing couple), many in the poly community call this type of woman a “unicorn”, as in mythical and not likely to be found, even though there are plenty of bi-poly women around.

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Vasopressin - A chemical released by the testes that is similar to oxytocin in function. 

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Veto Power – A relationship agreement, most common in prescriptive primary/secondary relationships, which gives one person the power to end (or not allow to begin in the first place) another person’s additional relationships, or in some cases to disallow some specific activity, such as some specific sexual or BDSM-related activity. A veto may be absolute, in which one partner may reject another partner’s additional relationships unconditionally, or may be conditional and used more as a way to indicate a serious problem in a relationship. Not all polyamorous people recognize or permit veto power. Veto is most common in primary/secondary relationship configurations.